You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
