i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
