hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
