This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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