lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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