when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
