You're a womanizer and a bitch.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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