She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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