They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
