I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
