Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
