Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
where are my eyebrows?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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