the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize