the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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