I don't usually arrange sex via text message
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
