i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
