if you like me you must not know who I am
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I wish there were birth control emojis
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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