I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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