i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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