either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
im six kinds of drunk right now
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
