if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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