All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
