I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
