so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
