we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize