she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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