what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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