Your face is a jimmy john
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize