So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
