I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
