i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
