I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
