she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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