I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't deserve a penis
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
