I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
