I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
