My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
