my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
