i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
