im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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