I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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