You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
