also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
