Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
