About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
