I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
