she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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