Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
