Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
