Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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