last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
