At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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