Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
