can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
