Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
