his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Blood and glitter go together right?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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