I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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