Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
