she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
