I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
