just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize